December 30, 2013

Journey to Love

Written in Sept. 2013:  The first time I ever remember thinking about my body was in the 7th grade.  I was 11 years old and was in a size 11 jeans.  I knew I was a little bigger and more developed than most girls, but I internalized it as being fat.  I didn't even know how much I weighed then.   Here I am 26 years later and I know to the .2 lbs of how much I way.  GAG!!

I've decided over the last week to start loving myself more.  I have hated myself and my body for so long.  I doubt everything I do when it comes to being a mom, a wife, and a human being.  I wonder about everything I am doing and how it compares to others.  I have compared myself to so many people and felt aweful about myself for my shortcomings.  Well I've had enough.  I want to stop being so bitter, angry, and jealous because I'm not as thin, as spiritual, as wealthy, as kind, or as perfect as someone else.  I'm fed up with myself.  

I am starting a journey.  Hopefully it will allow me to love me more.  To quit punishing myself for the things I don't have and love me for all the things I do.  

Step 1:  Forgive myself for my past self abuse
Step 2:  Exercise for health and fun (Yes I find working out fun) instead of weight loss being the goal
Step 3:  Eating the Food.  Without the guilt, the I shouldn't have eaten that, the OMG I am so fat comments
Step 4:  Stop weighing myself every day.  It has been since last friday so that makes 4 days. My goal is to weigh in only periodically.  And rather go by how I feel about my fitness and eating habits.
Step 5:  Become greatful for the things I have and who I am 

Keeping Promises

4 years ago I promised my oldest son that I would walk 1000 miles that year as part of a goal for myself.  Well go figure, I didn't do it.  I got to around 600 and quit.  But after so many successful completion of things in 2013 I decided it would be good to complete the 1K goal over the next year.

My goals for the next year:

Walk more, specifically 2.75 miles a day to reach 1K
Eat more veg and fruit, specifically 3-5 servings a day
Complete a quilt over the next year
Read 5 books
Increase bench press to 100 plus pounds
1 push up, Man push up, no knees
Make 1 new recipe a month 12 for the year
Lose 30 lbs over the next year
Love my boys and husband every day,even on the not so fun days!

I am terrible for not completing stuff.  Lack of focus, not being able to push through when it is boring.  But 2013 was a great year of pushing past, going farther, and doing the hard work.  It really left me a great feeling of accomplishment.  I am enough.